THE BET I DON'T WANT TO WIN

I don't know if I want the hard disk more,
Or want to lose the bet secretly.
I'd be a gainer anyway,
But if I win the bet I'd lose something too,
The value of which I don't realize now,
Or maybe I do but am scared to admit;
Trying to make it all comic,
Unable to cry my heart out,
Scared of crying and breaking down,
I just talk to friends and make them laugh,
They think I'm funny,
And I'm able to lie to myself,
That I am happy.
Maybe I am,
Or maybe I need to learn to do that,
All over again, yet again;
It's not the best feeling in the world,
It's just tragically funny!